


Trying To Forget

by DirtyLilGreaseMonkey



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Character Death, Explicit Language, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-20 22:47:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4805060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DirtyLilGreaseMonkey/pseuds/DirtyLilGreaseMonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron is trying to forget all about Robert Sugden but its not that easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trying To Forget

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I have so many thoughts and ideas surrounding these two characters I getting a little lost. This one just came to me and so I ran with it. Hope you like it, any feedback would be appreciated.

Aaron didn’t care who it was, he just needed to feel a warm body beneath him. There had been a few guys checking him out all night so it wouldn’t be hard to go home with someone, anyone, he just wanted to forget about him, get lost in the primal act of fucking. As it turned out he couldn’t even manage that.

He chose the one who looked the least like him, or so he thought. As soon as they were outside Aaron pushed the random against the wall and as he closed his eyes into the kiss but then his brain kicked in. The body beneath him wasn’t as tall as him, not as well defined, skinny even. He opened his eyes and broke the kiss, panting slightly.

“Don’t you wanna know my name?”

“Don’t care, we gonna do this or what?” Aaron questioned.

“Erm sure, my place?”

“Lead the way.”

Aaron didn’t care, he just needed to feel something, anything that wasn’t him. It was like he was ingrained upon his skin and maybe the feel of someone else could wash it away.

As they walked into the flat, the random went to turn on the light but Aaron stopped him. It would be easier in the dark. If it was dark he wouldn’t be able to tell that the guy in front of him wasn’t quite as tall as he wanted or the fact that he wasn’t quite muscular enough. He closed the gap between their mouths again and waited for push and pull he knew would never come. Aaron was in charge here and he felt lost. All he’d wanted was to find someone, someone without the baggage of a wife, to fuck, and he couldn’t even allow him that. He pulled away from the too short, too skinny random and sighed,

“It’s not working is it mate.”

“It was for me.”

He looked at the guy then for possibly the first time that night. Aaron was sure he’d chosen him because he didn’t look like anyone else. But looking at him now, the freckles across his nose, reminded him of someone he couldn’t have. He smashed his mouth into the guys again, hoping that would give him the cue to smash back. He waited for the return, for the guy to respond under him but it was like kissing a statue, his hands, his too small, delicate hands, never left Aarons shoulders. This wasn’t what Aaron was looking for, not tonight, not ever.

He drew back again thinking to himself that he should just give this guy what he wanted but knew he couldn’t.

“Sorry mate, it’s just not happening.”

“Oh,” the guy said, looking down at his feet.

He reminded Aaron of himself after his first kiss with Jackson. Jackson. What would he make of all this?

He turned and left the flat, slamming the door, not meaning to but needing the noise, the violence, anything to clear out the thoughts of him in his head.

...

He’s back in the woolpack before closing, noting his mams delight. She’s been pecking his head recently about how grumpy his been.

“No luck tonight love,” she asks, knowing he was going out, pulling him a pint.

He just tuts and accepts her offering and downs half of it in one gulp. It’s at that moment that he saunters in, like butter wouldn’t melt, all cheekbones and jawline. Everywhere he turns he’s there, a constant reminder of everything Aaron wants but can’t have. He’s thought about leaving, even contemplated going back to France, but he couldn’t leave Adam, not again, or his mam. He eyes reluctantly find Roberts and he curses himself for being so weak. Just the sight of him, has his pulse racing and he hates the fact that he can feel his cheeks turning red. He can’t stay, not when he’s so close to him yet so far away.

He pushes away from the bar in a huff, causing his mum to call out to him.

“Love? Aaron?”

But he ignores her and heads to the bathroom, but even that reminds him of Robert.

Robert smiled to himself when he saw Aaron at the bar. He loved the way Aaron reacted to his presence, the sharp intakes of breath, the reddening cheeks, even the grimace he wore nowadays, he found it adorable. Chas noticed Roberts eyes linger on Aaron as he walked away and she couldn't help but get a dig in.

“Been out into town,” she offered up indicating to the space Aaron had just occupied. Robert knew what she was trying to do and gave her a tight smile in return.

“Pulled an’ all,” she grinned, hoping for a reaction from Robert.

Robert wouldn’t give her the satisfaction, the only outward indication of her words was a clenching of his jaw, but inside jealously coursed through his veins.

“Good for him,” he replied sternly.

With that he pushed away from the bar, not bothering to order a drink and headed after Aaron. He knew where he’d be, it was where they always met, he never knew a bathroom in a local pub could mean so much to him.

As he walked in Aaron was stood at the sink, hands clutching the sides, knuckles turning white, staring at his refection. He looked up as he heard the door go, the grimace on his face reflected back at Robert.

“What do you want?” Aaron scoffs.

“Your mam, she said………” he voice trailing off, he couldn’t finish the sentence, did he really want to know if Aaron had been with someone else.

Oh god Aaron thought what had she said now?

“What?”

Robert just stared at Aaron, he couldn’t tell if he had been with someone, he couldn’t tell a lot of things about Aaron nowadays. They had grown so far apart, and he knew that was down to him but didn’t know how to fix it. He just wanted his Aaron back, the one that looked at him like he was his whole world.

“Well?” Aaron asked again, the annoyance clear in his voice.

“I don’t want you to fuck anyone else.” Robert cried out in frustration.

Aaron couldn’t believe him, he laughed

“Ya joking right?”

“I know I have no right to say that, but I don’t want you to.”

Why is he saying this? Aaron thought. He shouldn’t even be thinking about him, let alone talking to him yet he’s here, so close, asking him, asking him to what, wait? No it can’t be that. So what does he want?

“But you can?”

“I can?” Robert questions, the confusion clear on his face.

“You can go and fuck Chrissie and you expect me to be okay with that?”

Robert ran a hand over his face. How could he tell Aaron he hadn’t been with Chrissie like that for months. It wasn’t enough anymore, she wasn’t enough, not since, well not since him.

“I know I shouldn’t be jealous because you aren’t even mine are you?” Robert said quietly.

Aaron just stares at him in bewilderment. He can tell just by looking at him that Robert is being genuine when he asked the question. He jaw is tight but his eyes are soft and the look he’s giving Aaron is making his heart ache. He shouldn’t be thinking about telling him he was his, had been his since that first kiss. He shouldn’t tell him he doesn’t want to go to fuck anyone else, because no matter how many times he tried, they weren’t him, they weren’t Robert. He shakes his head.

“Don’t.” Aaron choked.

“Don’t what?” Robert asks softly, taking a step towards Aaron.

Aaron breath hitches as he notices Robert move closer. He can’t let him worm his way back in, not this time.

“I was.” Aaron whispered.

“What, what are you saying Aaron?”

“You had me, all of me, but you just tossed me aside,” his voice rising, his hurt turning to anger.

“I cried for you, but you never gave a shit about how I felt, you broke my heart over and over again, like it was nothing. Like I was nothing,” he shouted the last word putting all the pain he felt into it.

Robert reached out to, to comfort, he wasn’t sure, he just needed to show Aaron that he wasn’t nothing, that he did care. That he more than cared.

“I act like I don’t give a fuck because I care too much.” Robert admitted.

“And I acted like it wasn’t a big deal when really it was breaking my heart.” Aaron hissed back at Roberts admission.

Aaron pushed past Robert, leaving him stood alone, in the place they shared.

He’d really messed things up this time, but he’d made up his mind, he needed Aaron to know how he felt, how he really felt about him, before it was too late. He ran out the pub and rounded the building aiming for the back door, knowing Aaron would be headed up the stairs towards his bedroom. He knocked loudly, figuring Aaron would be walking past the door at any second.

Aaron heard the knock and knew exactly who it is before he opened the door.

“Just do one will ya,” he says his words harsh, but his body betrays him, stepping aside so Robert can enter what had become another one of their personal spaces.

Robert smiled when he saw Aaron give in to him.

“You better watch it,” Aaron growled, pointing his finger at Roberts face,

“Because I’ll wipe that smug smile right off ya face in a minute.”

“Go for it,” Robert offered himself up.

“What?” Aaron exclaimed, a little taken aback by Roberts offer.

“If that’s what you need, then go for it.”

“It doesn’t work like that Robert and you can’t expect me to beat the shit out of you every time I feel like it because you’d be……”

“Dead?”

“Yeah, sommat like that.”

“………….and you don’t want that?” Robert asked.

Aaron laughed in spite of himself. What was he doing? Just hours ago he wanted to forget everything about the man stood in front of him, offering himself up as a punching bag and now? Now, he didn’t know. It was messing with his head, not only that, his heart was still broken. He was still broken.

“So then, let’s ignore each other, try to pretend the other doesn’t exist, but deep down we both know why you’re still here,” Robert smirked, the smug smile back, reaching out for Aaron.

Aaron didn’t want that, knew that as soon as Roberts hands were on him, he’d give in again, allow himself to be pulled back into whatever game this was for Robert. No he couldn’t, wouldn’t do that to himself. He took a deep breath before letting it out, throwing everything he had at Robert, wanting to hurt him the way he’d been hurt.

“I’m still here because of all the people my heart could have chosen to love it decided on a you, damn it, you, the one person who doesn’t have enough room in his own heart to love himself, let alone anyone else.”

“What? What’s that supposed to mean?” Robert stammered.

“Come off it Robert, you don’t love me, you never have, not really, you love the idea of me and the sad part is you can treat me however you want to because in the end you know that I’ll always be here waiting for you.”

“But I need to stop, stop thinking about you, about how your hair feels under my fingers, about how soft you skin is, how your eyes sparkle when your with me, about the smile, the real one you save just for me, about your laugh and your voice, and what it feels like to have your arms wrapped around me when I’m feeling……..” he broke on the last word,

“Lost.”

“It took me awhile, but I’ve finally realised you don’t care,” he continued.

Robert looked hurt at Aarons words, he didn’t say anything, just stared at Aaron, his jaw clenched, like he was in pain.

“And then I realised you probably never did,” Aaron gave a small laugh,

“The saddest part of it all is that you made me believe you did.”

“Aaron,” Robert said his name like it was a prayer, like just saying his name would make everything better.

Robert didn’t know that this was how Aaron felt, he’d thought he’d made himself clear the last time they were stood in this hallway, when he’d told Aaron how he felt. But whatever had happened between them recently had obviously erased that from Aarons memory. Robert could never erase it, it was one of the few things that had kept him going just recently, the image on Aaron sat on the stairs, smiling at him. He wanted to see him smile again.

He took a tentative step forward, he hands aching to touch Aaron, to show him how much he cared, because words weren’t enough.

All Aaron wanted to do was walk away, but Roberts hands were reaching for his waist, pulling him in closer, his body pressing up against his, so close he could feel the beginnings of his arousal. He tried to avert his gaze, to look anywhere other than Roberts lips, the lips he wanted so badly, yet didn’t want at all. It was Robert who closed the gap, it was always Robert, and as soon as those lips touched his all rational thought left him. He was consumed by the need for Robert, the need to please him, to please himself, lips and tongues, kisses and caresses. For those few moments nothing else mattered. It was Robert who pulled away with a hopeful look in his eye. But with Roberts mouth off his, Aaron was able to think straight again.

“You are not mine, you never were, were you?” Aaron questions him, softly, already knowing the answer.

“But sometimes, I pretend you wished you were,”

_‘I am yours,’_ Robert said the words in his head, not sure how to voice them, and even if he did he didn’t think Aaron would believe him.

“I have this stupid idea, this fucked up fantasy, that you secretly want me” Aaron laughed,

_‘I do want you’_ Robert said, again in his head, wishing he could say it out loud, not sure what was stopping him.

“I lie there at night dreaming, and I allow myself to forget that it’s something I made up.”

Roberts eyes filled with tears, because he did the same, laid in bed at night he dreamt of Aaron, of holding him, of being held by him.

“And I need to forget, that’s where I was tonight, trying to forget, to forget everything, everything you ever said, everything we did together, everything I felt, but it’s not that simple.”

Robert knew how hard it was to forget, he’d tried, but he still kept coming back for more.

“Because no one can make you feel like I can,” Robert offered sadly.

Aaron nodded, not trusting his voice.

“Aaron,” Robert said, reaching out to cup Aarons cheek, if he didn’t say it now, he’s not sure he if ever would,

“I feel the same, I just don’t show it.”

“But I don’t want to feel like this,” Aaron sobbed, moving away from Roberts touch.

“I loved you and you can’t forget something like that so easily, I wish you could, but you just cant.”

“I wish I didn’t waste all those times talking to you or thinking about you, I wish I didn’t worry or care about all the times you ignored me, I wish I never got excited every time you made me feel something, because you did, you came in like a freight train and between the fucks and the fights I started to feel again.”

“I wish that I had never met you, then there would be no need to want you, no need for loving you, no need for crying over you, no need for heartbreaks, no need for pain or tears, no need for rejection, no need for crying myself to sleep, no need for acting like you care, no need for everything you’ve done to make me feel like absolutely nothing.”

“I wish I never believed every word you said, I wish I never got my hopes high for you, and I wish I never kept trying and trying knowing I would just go through the same thing, because in the end the one that gets hurt isn’t you. It’s me.”

“And sometimes I try to tell myself it’s not your fault, you were simply too broken to love me, but I hope you know that if you had asked me to wait, I would have waited for you.”

“I, I didn’t know Aaron, you’ve got to believe me, I didn’t know that this,” Robert says pointing between them,

“Was hurting you that much.”

The last thing Robert wanted was to hurt Aaron. Robert had been selfish he knew that, he cared about Aaron, more than he’d like to admit, but was what he felt for him worth giving up everything he’d worked so hard for? Why didn’t he just believe him? He cared about Aaron, not just cared, Aaron consumed his every waking thought, but perhaps he was right, and whatever it was between them was hurting them. Maybe, just maybe, the safest thing for the both of them was for Robert to end it.

“I never meant to hurt you Aaron, please know that, and please Aaron, please don’t forget me.”

His words made something jolt inside Aaron and before he knew it his fist connected with Roberts face.

Robert had expected the punch to come at some point so he isn’t shocked when it does come, he just stands there holding his face.

Aaron doesn't understand what's happening anymore, he just knows that what Robert said upset him more than he'd care to admit. And then like a wave comes crashing on the shore and breaks, he remembers, and whatever was holding him back ruptures, all the emotions, the hurt, the pain, the shit he's blocked out comes crashing down on to him. This is how connected Robert was to him, because without even knowing it he’d said the exact thing Jackson had said before he died. His hand clutches his chest trying to control the sobs racking his body. He can't seem get enough air into his lungs. He needs to get out, away from Robert, away from everyone, he tries to push away from and move into the back room but falls against the wall, slumping to his knees. Robert doesn't know what to do, his initial reaction is to reach out and hold Aaron but something in the back of his mind is telling him not to.

“Aaron, Aaron what's wrong?”

“Leave.”

“Me.”

“Alone.”

Aaron pants after each strained breath.

“I’m not leaving, not when you’re like this.”

He can't talk anymore, all he can do is concentrate on dragging air in and out, hoping he doesn't pass out. He closes his eyes but opens them again because he doesn't want to be inside his own head. He can see him lying there, in that bed, all alone, tears running down his face and he's pleading with Aaron not to forget him, please don't forget me. With his eyes open he tries to focus on something, anything to stop the sheer panic wrecking through his body. He can’t afford to lose control, not in front of Robert. Robert. He looks at him, his vision a little blurry be he can see him, see the panic on his face. Aaron almost wants to laugh and would if he could catch enough breath. His concentrates on Roberts face, and starts to count the freckles across his nose, trying to calm himself.

“What do I do Aaron?” Robert fretted, not wanting to make the situation worse.

“Distract.”

“Me.”

He asks Robert helplessly.

“I don't……..”

The panic is rising in Robert, he doesn’t know what to do. He tries to remember what he learnt all those years ago, when he had to take a first aid course for the garage. He reached up and placed both hands on Aaron's face, much like he did when he wanted to pull him into a kiss but this time he just looked at him.

Aaron closed his eyes to Roberts touch his breathing still ragged, from his outburst or from his touch he wasn't quite sure.

“Aaron, Aaron, look at me.”

Aaron opened his eyes and saw two glassy pools of the brightest blue staring back at him

“Breathe with me Aaron. In and out. In and out.”

“That's it.”

He moved one hand to Aaron's chest trying to get him into a steady rhythm and after a few minutes he could feel Aaron's heart rate returning to his normal, yet slightly quicken pace, something he’d noticed the times they had laid together.

Robert slumped back in relief.

They both sat there for a while, in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, not saying anything, just staring at each other. Robert would occasionally touch his face assessing the damage from Aaron's punch but other than that they made no effort to touch or even talk to each other. Robert wanted to know what that was about, all he'd asked was that Aaron not forget him, he wanted to quiz Aaron, to get to know him that little bit better, for Aaron to open up and share with him but he knows that that is too much to ask, especially now.

When Aaron finally did break the silence it was the last thing Robert expected to hear.

All the fight has gone out of Aaron, he just want Robert to know how much being apart is hurting him,

“I hope one day you will realise I did truly care for you, I promise you’re gonna miss me being there, putting up with you, refusing to give up on you. You’re gonna regret everything you’ve done to me, including the damage you caused. And someday, you’ll turn back and I won’t be waiting for you any longer. I might have been worthless to you, but you’ll miss me, when I become priceless to someone else.”

Robert didn’t know what to say, Aaron was anything but worthless, and in the end he was priceless to someone, to him. But after all the hurt he’d caused him how did he make him see that?

“Someone once told me _‘You can close your eyes from the things you don’t want to see but you can never close your heart from the things you don’t wanna feel’_ Don’t you want to love me?” Robert asked with tears in his eyes.

“Have you been listening to anything I’ve said?” Aaron hopelessly cries,

“I did love you,” he admits a little too harshly before remembering where they were.

“I do.” he says quietly, not sure if Robert heard him.

“Aaron I……..”

“Just get out,” Aaron says for the final time before heading up the stairs and away from Robert.

Robert can’t leave it there, he wants, needs, Aaron to know how he feels, once and for all.

“I’ve been keeping away, busying myself with other things trying to distract myself, but no matter how hard I try, every time I pause I think of you.”

“You’ve got me Aaron.”

Aaron is almost at the top of the stairs when Robert finishes. He isn’t sure what he heard so he turns, tears in his eyes, and demands,

“Say it again.”

“You’ve got me Aaron,”

“I am yours.”


End file.
